Apply to be the Sourdough Wife
The Office of Historical Records, on behalf of the Principal, hereby gives public notice of one (1) open position, permanent term, non-resignable.
One (1) Sourdough Wife
or Banana Bread Baddie
The Principal seeks a co-founder for the remainder of approximately fifty (50) years — “a long time, especially if you’re bored.” Remote-friendly (rural), equity generous, pond rights included.
Minimum Requirements
- Banana bread baddie or sourdough wife. Certification of either accepted; baking under protest will be noted.
- Outdoorsy. Definition flexible. Must have been outside at least once, preferably willingly.
- Confident — bordering on unreasonable. Unreasonable preferred.
- Smoke show. Fire marshal approval currently pending.
- Interesting. This is the real requirement. Read the fine print twice.
- Redhead status: strongly favored, pending resolution of an ongoing tracker dispute.
The Package
| Equity | Co-founder, the Empire (see The Empire): logging company now; ranch, road-construction conglomerate, and aviation wing on the roadmap. |
|---|---|
| Real Estate | House acquisition within 12 months (PENDING); ranch with tractors and a pond on the 12-year horizon. |
| Travel | Invitation to the Alaska theater (caribou 🔒 / moose 🔒) and any whitewater put-in with a put-in. |
| Dining | Cast-iron steak, basted shirtless by the Principal personally. See Gallery, recruitment footage. |
| Humor | Statistically confirmed funny, per self-certification and this entire website. |
Process
01. Submit application via portal below. 02. Board review (the Board is Kai). 03. Ranch tour & steak tasting. 04. Negotiation. 05. Empire.
Applications reviewed by the Board (Kai). Decisions are final. Bananas are mandatory. False banana-bread claims constitute perjury and result in immediate termination and referral to the Archive. Former stakeholders must instead file via the Office of Former Stakeholders — discreet link in the footer; we are not animals.