The Hunt
Meat, antlers, and a thermal optic. The official procurement scorecard — the only numbers on this website the Office refused to inflate, because they were already illegal.
| Species | Bull Elk — “Monumental” |
|---|---|
| Method | Rifle |
| Season | This year. Ask him. Then ask him again. |
| Score | Size: unprecedented. The Office’s usual inflation policy has been suspended out of respect. |
| Status | HARVESTED · FILE CLOSED |
| Species | Mule Deer Buck — “Nice” |
|---|---|
| Method | Bow. Drawn, held, released, earned. |
| Status | HARVESTED · CONFIRMED |
| Program | Night Coyote Operations |
|---|---|
| Method | Thermal optic · night shift · no mercy |
| Volume | 312 confirmed neutralized (est., cumulative; audit ongoing) |
| Status | CONTINUOUS PROGRAM |
| Program | Bear Hunting |
|---|---|
| Status | ACTIVE INTEREST |
| Alaska Theater | Caribou 🔒 · Moose 🔒 |
|---|---|
| Status | DEPLOYMENT PENDING — objectives confirmed, tickets not yet purchased, confidence absolute. |
Antler transport conducted per company policy: through the cab window, obviously.
The Night Watch
After-hours coyote control, conducted with thermal superiority. What the public knows as “varmints at night,” the Office knows as a continuous security operation with a very specific hiring bar: must own a truck, must not blink first.
Thermal optics turn the dark into a green-tinted conference room in which only one attendee is invited to speak. The subject has described the program as “fun.” The coyotes, per available testimony, describe it differently.
